Another Day.

I feel dreadful.

I need to find a way to go with little food all day and come home and not binge. Today I looked at several blogs and found people like me who will do so well for a while, then on the weekends they get tempted and binge. 

The thing is, with me I do that almost every night. I don't go crazy and eat everything in the house, but I eat way more than I should. After, I feel guilty. All I know is that if other girls can go longer than me, I need to stop. I have to. 

I'm not very competitive, but when it comes to certain things, I definitely can be. I used to be real laid back and not care about much, but now I don't think I know how to be. I don't think I even want to go back to that kind of living. I think it would drive me completely bazerk.

There are certain things I frequently remind myself of, such as "food doesn't control me" and "nothing tastes as good as skinny", but in a way food does control me. It's pretty sad. 

I do find myself with a fear of certain foods though. Butter spread, potato chips, Pringles scare me to death. I can't eat pizza either. It's kind of nice. They are all good tasting, but I don't think I could ever let myself  eat them. 

So yesterday, I decided to make a list of foods that I can't eat no matter what. Here it is:

• Pringles
• Rice krispie treats
• cookies
• butter spread
• fries
• potato chips
• wheat thins
• cake
• frosting
• cupcakes

I also broke one of my rules and ate two cupcakes. 

Two cupcakes.

I cringe just thinking about it. I don't think I'll ever eat anymore of those things above it, (wheat thins have so many  calories and crap), but cupcakes are so good. I also went and looked up the bad things about cupcakes to make sure I would stop eating them, but didn't find anything except for how much sugar and butter they have. That was good for me I think. 

I wish I could have support in this. I read about girls with friends who are both doing the same thing. They catch each other when they're about to collapse into their old habits. I long for that, but I just have to live without it. Doing it alone will make me a stronger person; more self control, independence, etc.

I am sometimes miserable during lunch at school. all of my friends stuffing themselves on ice cream and food and stuff, but it's a good thing cafeteria food doesn't taste too good. That's nice.

Well, I'm done here now. If anyone reads this, you can comment. Or don't. It's all right. Notify me of anything important or whatever. 

-Sophrosyne